The Cheap Seats

Dunedin, let's pack Christchurch some lunch

2011-02-24T13:15:00.001-08:00

OFFICIAL MISSIVE FROM OUSA

*Dunedin Students and Citizens Responding to help the Volunteer Army on the
Ground in Christchurch.
*
*For release: *Friday the 25th of February from 5.30am

*Come on Dunedin lets get 10,000 pre packed lunch bags donated by Dunedin
citizens to keep the volunteers in Christchurch going.
*
Dunedin this is your chance to help, we are responding to a specific request
for non-perishable lunch food for the University of Canterbury Students
Association (UCSA) Volunteer Student Army.

Today around 1000 Student Volunteers are out helping in the Christchurch
Community. Over the coming days there could be at least 2000 per day. UCSA
has put out a call to Dunedin for help! This is a specific request from UCSA
for lunches to keep the volunteers fed over the coming days as they respond
to non-life threatening requests for help from the wider Christchurch
community. The UCSA Student Army are liaising with Civil Defense and their
work in the wider community removes the strain from the critical response
activities of the Civil Defense and Emergency Services.

So lets keep the Volunteers on the ground in Christchurch going! Doesn't
matter if it is one bag or 100 every contribution is appreciated. We are
aiming for 10,000 pre packed lunch bags to be dropped off at the Student
Union where they will be boxed in packaging from Otago Packaging Supplies
and delivered by Northern Southland Transport to the team in Christchurch to
feed the volunteers.

*So What's the go? How can people help?
*
*Step 1: *Rally up friends and family

*Step 2:* Head to the supermarket and buy the items (or similar) from the
list that you don't have already

*Step 3:* Package your non-perishable lunch items (no fruit or sandwiches
sorry) in brown paper or ziplock bags. Use the list below if not sure

*Guide for non-perishable lunch list:
*- 2 x Muesli bars
- 1 x Chocolate bar
- Raisins or Scoggin
- Anzac biscuits (3 wrapped in glad wrap)(or something similar)
- Can of Tuna
- VitaWheat or similar crackers (up to 8 glad wrapped)
Please do not add fruit, this and a drink will be added by UCSA if we can
get bulk supply.

*Step 4:* Bring your pre packed lunches to the Otago University Students
Association arch way on Cumberland St, on The one way South (opposite Otago
Museum) between 10am and 6pm on Saturday 26th March

*Step 5: *We will then load the lunches in trucks for delivery at UCSA on
Saturday night

*Bulk Help - *if any businesses are able to provide bulk water or
apples/oranges, packaged muffins please let us know! Also may need a back up
truck for deliveries and

*Supporters - *The Church, UCSA, OUSA, Northern Southland Transport, Otago
Packaging.

*Contact details* - Media phone Nic 022 0945270 or Josh Eyre 027 555 3766 to
arrange an interview time.

Come on Robbie!

2011-02-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

We here at the Cheap Seats have always been fans of Robert Kubica. Not only is he one hell of a driver, he comes across as a genuinely nice guy and his unaffected joy at finding himself on the podium always makes us smile.

News came through this morning that he crashed his rally car in Italy and broke several bones in his right hand, arm and leg. It's looking unlikely that he'll be starting at the Bahrain GP in March.

The Brat and I send our best wishes for Robert's full, safe and speedy recovery. See you back on the track soon, sunshine.

It's Test Day

2010-06-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

And it's warm with clear skies.

I hope it stays like this. The Welsh don't know what to do if it's not raining.

This Blog Aten't Ded

2010-06-17T02:14:00.001-07:00

It was just resting, and not in that "pining for the fjords" kind of way.

Life got in the way of both my and the Brat's blog-keeping there for a while. Let's hope we've managed to fight it back into a corner long enough for something to actually happen.

And that brings me straight onto the World Cup. Of football, known to some as soccer. A game I used to play and the Brat still does, and a lot of fun to watch and speculate on whether the ref inherited his blindness from his mother or his father (whoever he is). And whether gross ignorance of the offside rule is learned or hereditary.

Sadly I haven't been watching a lot of it, because of the time zones (sometimes living in the South Pacific sucks fetid donkey balls through bendy-straws), but I do know that:

New Zealand drew with Slovakia, thereby scoring their first EVER point in the World Cup

If you point at the English goalkeeper and go "HA ha!" you can make him cry

If Argentina win, Diego Maradona has promised (threatened) to take his clothes off and run through the streets of Buenos Aires naked. Heck of an incentive there, mate. Cue Hand of God jokes.

And the other big news is that this weekend the All Blacks play Wales in the last ever test at Carisbrook. I'm going to be there, but not with bells on (I value my life) shouting at the Welsh with the rest of the rabble on the Terraces.

In keeping with our tradition of finding useful phrases in the visitors' native language, here's what I'll be yelling at them:

Ach hefyd 'n annwyl chan dafad!

You are too fond of sheep!

Pryd ewyllysia Torchwood bod 'ma?

When will Torchwood be here?

Pawb chan 'ch glo ydy berthyn i ni!

All of your coal are belong to us!

'ch fam anwyliannau Dan Certiwr hefyd!

Your mum loves Dan Carter too!

If you happen to see me at the test feel free to say hello, buy me a beer, save my spot while I make a run for Loth-loorien, whatever.

And if you know how to pronounce any of the above and/or bring me a towel (Welsh is a damp language), I'll be even happier to see you.

A Comeback Like Unto Lazarus

2010-03-14T11:07:00.001-07:00

Last year Felipe Massa had a big crash and there was doubt right at the start as to whether he'd live. When it became established that he would, there was then doubt that he'd ever race again.

Just before the start of the F1 season, Felipe was making fastest practice laps left, right and centre.

And now we've had the first race of the season, in Bahrain. In which he came SECOND.

Wow. Just wow. Out of words.

Things That Are Fabulous

2010-03-01T00:20:00.000-08:00

Unlike the Brat, I've not quite been ignoring the Olympics. Its schedule being from ohmygod o'clock in the morning until dinnertime rather meant that I didn't see much of them during the week, but it wasn't for lack of interest.

The weekends were different, and the Weasel and I spent hours watching people in full-body condoms zoom around tracks on ice skates, slide down hills with sticks tied to their feet, do aerobatics while attached to large tongue-depressers etc.

Which leads me to Yet Another List: Things That Are Fabulous.

Thing One: The Norwegian Curling Team's Trousers

Behold the magnificence

The sartorial equivalent of the loud drunk guy at your cousin's wedding, these bad boys (the pants, not the Norwegians) are available for sale for a paltry $US 89.95 per pair. If you can't quite stretch to that, you could always buy a "Respect the Pants" t-shirt for a much more accessible $US 15 or join the Facebook fan group, where you can learn to tell people how awesome their pants are in Norwegian.

And remember -- a man walks down the street in pants like those, you know he's not afraid of anything.

Thing Two: Johnny Weir

He's sparkly, he's outspoken almost to a fault, and he's ridiculously talented. Seriously. To the point where we can forgive him for being Lady GaGa's bestie.

No, really. Check it out:

As if anything else need be said. But sadly, it does. A couple of commentating velocipedes in Canadia made some crass remarks about Johnny's apparent

sexuality, including a suggestion that he should have to take a gender test.

WTF, CANADIA?? We thought you were immune to that kind of nineteenth-century homophobic bullshit.

Butanyway. Johnny, being the outspoken guy he is, had something to say about it. This is what he said:

And that, ladies and germs, is what a class act looks like. And why you, Johnny Weir, are fabulous. Long may you sparkle.

Dee dee dee dee de de dee de deeeeeeee

2010-02-22T15:03:00.000-08:00

Look, look, there's... Stuff. It's happening!

In random updates of news *cue news-type music*

The Phoenix are made of win and goalkeeping! It's the season that just keeps on giving! There was a fan day with the Hurricanes, and that was actually a whole lot of fun.

The Hurricanes are winning and the Crusaders are not! Haha.

The Aussies are coming! They have some very quick bowlers. I'm taking bets on how many concussions our lads end up with.

Brett Lee is retiring from Test cricket to play twenty20 and be bitter about women. Or something close to it.

Kane Williamson and BJ Watling win the men's one day title. I assume there were other players involved, but pft.

I still haven't paid attention to the Winter Olympics.

And I have participated in a podcast! Listen to me be drunk and opinionated with the dropkicks.

Is there anyone out there?

2010-02-17T16:56:00.000-08:00

So, I say that I don't care about the super 14, then thanks to Corey Jane and the miracle of twitter, I kinda do. Might make it to the Canes versus The Force, but that'll depend on the weather and the state of my brain.

The rules around the breakdown are interesting, and I think the winners in the first few rounds will be the teams that concede the least ruck and maul penalties. Not sure if I like the new rules or not, once more it feels like just one step closer to league. Here at the Cheap Seats we regard league with contempt.

Not to mention if we get into a situation like last year where we get used to one set of crazy rules, then suck during the domestic test matches because we're playing under different rules.

There's also some cricket on! Yay! Unfortunately the cricket is rubbish. A one sided pasting isn't much fun, nor is the flat crawl that the Hamilton pitch seems to have turned into. I'm putting money on a draw, because wickets seem like a complete bugger to come by.

Not to be ignored of course are the wonderful inningses by Brendon McCullum and Martin Guptill. Definitely worth the price of admission (or a sky subscription) for that one. I think the most impressive part was the way they powered through the "nervous nineties."

I have so far ignored the Winter Olympics. Apart from the ice hockey, which is so much fun watch even when you don't understand it. They remind me of gorillas on ice-skates with all the padding. Not that I have ever actually seen gorillas on ice skates.

Right now I just wish Tim McIntosh would stop running more exciting players out and hit a few boundaries.

Yer wot?

2010-02-13T01:02:00.000-08:00

I recently saw someone on the 'tubes describe Danica Patrick as "The Anna Kournikova of [motor] racing." (To be fair to him, I don't think he really believes that, but rather threw that statement out as a point of discussion. Well, it worked.)

To which I say BOLLOCKS. And this is for the following reasons:

(Yes, it's another list. Deal.)

1. Danica Patrick has actually won something.

2. The rules of Ms Patrick's sport were changed to make it harder for her to win things.

Neither of these applies to Anna Kournikova -- the first because she's not actually that good, and the second because there's no need.

Now, notice what's just happened here.

I've had to defend a sportswoman for actually being _good at her sport_ rather than mere eye candy. And, rather alarmingly, in order to do so I've had to denounce another sportswoman as mere eye candy, which made me more than a little queasy.

Now, as much as we on the Cheap Seats are partial to a bit of eye candy, I doubt very much that most professional sportsmen have to put up with the same kind of comparisons, at least, not on a regular basis.

As far as we've come towards equality of the sexes, sportswomen are still judged more for their looks than their ability, and the amount of training and effort they put in is seen as largely irrelevant as long as they look good doing whatever it is they do.

And even beyond that, it doesn't matter if Danica Patrick was the greatest Indy car driver the world has ever seen -- she wouldn't get a look in at an F1 race because... she doesn't have a penis.

F1, much as I love it (and I do, oh how I do) is probably the most macho professional sport on the planet. There are no female F1 drivers. No woman has even been given a trial (at least a serious one -- Red Bull gave Danica Patrick a trial as a PR stunt). And such is the machismo surrounding the sport, it's unlikely that any woman will drive in an F1 race for quite some time.

And you know what, that's just daft. Like any other discrimination it's judging people on criteria other than how well they do the job. And that's just stupid. For all we know there's a female Lewis Hamilton out there, but she'll never get a chance to show the world what she can do.

For fuck's sake, people. What century is this, again? When sportswomen are paid less than men for the same work, judged on their looks rather than their ability and outright excluded from the most prestigious and lucrative sports out there, one could be forgiven for wondering.

Wait... What?

2010-02-11T00:13:00.000-08:00

So, summer has finally cranked it's creaky self into gear. It's warm. It's downright sticky. We're 2/3rds of the way through the domestic cricket season and 1/2 way through the home internationals.

And tomorrow the Super 14 starts.

It snuck up on ya, dinnit? Don't lie. Especially if, like me, the only chance you get to really read a newspaper is in subway. (Or, like Madame, you are stuck reading the Oddity.)

But yes. The Super 14. Interminable rounds which underscore summer's demise and suck the life out of players and rugby fans.

Maybe I'm a cynic.

Maybe I haven't followed rugby fanatically enough since Christian Cullen retired.

Maybe - Oh God, don't shoot me - I just don't care.

A Pirate

2010-02-04T14:18:00.000-08:00

That's what I'm dressing up for the Sevens as. Given that the last time I went to this awesome amalgamation of a rugby tournament and the 48 hour party the standard response to "I'm going to the sevens" was "Cool!" and not "What are you going as?" it's safe to say it's been a while.

The parade yesterday was a good way to check out the teams, from the delightfully awkward English team, to the Argentines - Who were using the water bottles they had been given to squirt each other and the crowd.
(note: all the players seemed to be really short, what's with that?)

Free random air NZ beads completed the experience. I'm all set for an awesome, if hideously spendy, weekend.

P.S. I wanted to dress up as a zombie, but that was vetoed. Bah.

Our Pick for the IPL

2010-02-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

The Brat and I have been having a bit of a think about who we're backing for the IPL this year, and we have, miraculously, both agreed on a team.

Yes, campers, the Cheap Seats pick for the 2010 IPL season is...

The Kolkata Knight Riders!

For the following reasons:

1. Shane Bond. Yes, actually, he IS that good.

2. Ricky Ponting. Yes, he's Australian and yes, he is a bit of a prat, but he's still one of the best opening batsmen out there.

3. Brendon McCullum. Yes, he is that good-looking. And from Otago.

4. Ishant Sharma. For godsake just LOOK at him. Oh, and also he's a pretty good fast bowler in his own right. Might end up truly world-class if he keeps going at this rate.

5. They're named after one of the cheesiest television series EVER MADE. We at the Cheap Seats are easily amused and think that's fantasmic.

Exhibit A:

Sadly, my mate who lives in Bangalore has refused to go to the Royal Challengers Bangaluru vs Kolkata Knight Riders game holding up a sign saying YOUR MUM LOVES BONDY TOO on the grounds that it might get him beaten up.

Ah well, can't win 'em all. But hopefully the Knight Riders can.

Especially in bed

2010-01-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

So, who else is excited that Andy McKay got into the Black Caps?

Okay, that'll be me, his fiancee and Cameron Merchant (who seems just bizarrely excited about everything.)

I've been watching lots of twenty20, because I apparently have no life. But it has been rather good this year hasn't it? I love the way the Black Caps are actually getting to play on the domestic circuit, the way the games have been marketed, and the way it's no longer just a slog-fest with the bowlers going regularly for ridiculous RPO's.

Went to a thing for Wellington members and listened to Owais Shah speak. Sounded like a bloke not dead from the neck up, and quite nice to boot. He did provide more info about the food at Lords than I ever needed to know (it's really really good.)

Am I turning into a twenty20 convert then, you might be asking. Well, no, not as such. Any form of the game would gain an upswing in popularity having been marketed as aggressively as the HRV cup has. Free mini-bats make everything more awesome.

In which I am an Influence

2010-01-20T00:17:00.001-08:00

I'm the only member of Mustelid Manor remotely interested in sport. The DH just doesn't give a rip and the Weasel herself, while she plays lots of sports (we've had to limit her to two per term so she doesn't get burnout, and they've included variations on rugby, netball, water polo, hockey and softball) really doesn't care much about professional sports or the perfectly-formed individuals who play them.

So imagine my surprise when I got a text from the Weasel this morning on my way to work saying that Shane Bond had got an IPL contract.

The WTF here is twofold.

Fold the first: Shane Bond. IPL. So far so good. Maximum bid. WTF? He's good, but is he really _that_ good? (Kolkata Knight Riders is not WTF. It's where we pretty much expected he'd go. Where he gets to be teammates with Ishant Sharma and Brendon McCullum. Which means I may actually have to watch some IPL this year.)

Fold the second: The Weasel knew I was keeping an ear out for how the auction had gone, due to my hoots of laughter regarding Chris Cairns sticking his hand up for it. What I didn't expect was for her to go that bit further and actually tell me what had gone on.

Clearly I am being an influence here. But is it a good one or a bad one? Comment and let me know.

Summer Fail

2010-01-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

Some of you will have observed that I am at home updating the sports blog rather than attending the hit-and-giggle game between Otago and Wellington at the University Oval.

That is because Dunedin has failed to have a summer and it is currently 6C and raining. And the weather's not too bad today, compared with, oh, the thunderstorms and hail we had on Thursday and Friday.

Maybe at this rate the sun will come out by March, but all the cricketers will be off at the IPL by then.

Some Questions

2010-01-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

1st. Chris Cairns. Why did you put yourself on the IPL list, other than gratuitous money grubbing? You are old. Really old. And it serves you right that your arse has been yanked from the list. How about coming back and playing a bit for your province before chasing the dollars? Chris Harris is doing it, after all.

2nd. Why can't I get an SH size bat (for those not in the know, it's sized between a harrow and a full size, for people of about 5'9". Like me.) for less than a hundy? Don't make me resort to trade me.

3rd. Why are CCC making our uniforms even more ugly? And why do I still want to buy one? And why, for the love of Ghu, will I be forced to buy a kid's size to get one that fits? Surely there's money to be made in bringing out a women's cut. It's worked for Adidas after all.

New year.... Same old Blog?

2010-01-03T14:32:00.001-08:00

Well, Yeah. Kinda. Maybe I'll actually get my arse into gear now that summer actually appears to be doing it's thing.

We're having some twenty20! Yay! (and my God I am desperate because I'm only being a little sarcastic with that.

Northern have their fugly fugly pink uniforms, and even more fugly pink wickets and owned Auckland in their baby blue. I swear watching it on TV was like watching one very long Baby Factory commercial.

Then Otago stuffed them the next day and I am steadily getting greater and greater respect for That Other McCullum. (and he's not bad looking. But I'm not alll about that. Honest.)

And now I have to wait till the 6th until I can head back down to the Basin and watch Canterbury play the Firebirds. Let's hope in that time Michael Papps has decided that being a miniature santa claus isn't a good look for the new year.

And, that's me. I'd have kept up better if I wasn't in the gym all the time. No, really.

Dear French soccer team

2009-11-20T01:23:00.001-08:00

I see you are once again showing the kind of sportsmanship that led to the bombing of the Rainbow Warrior.

For goodness sake. It wasn't right when Maradona did it; it's not right now.

Get your hands off it, in all senses of the term.

No love,

The Cheap Seats.

Pass and Giggle

2009-10-11T14:17:00.000-07:00

So now there's a new, faster form of netball called Fastnet.

Hold the phone a second.

I was under the impression that netball was a pretty fast game already -- certainly all the games I've watched, and even the games the Weasel has played, looked pretty damn fast to me.

Also, it's long past time the word "Powerplay" was banned from sport. Because, really.

Someone in world netball is being a velocipede. Or wants to be a velocipede. Or thinks netball should be played by velocipedes.

Either way, I'm agin it. And you goddamn kids get off my lawn.

Good news, two counts thereof

2009-08-02T02:21:00.000-07:00

You know, if a guy had to take the rest of the GP season off to recover from a head injury, they could wish for a worse person to take over their driving duties than Michael Schumacher.

That's right -- Michael is back, keeping Felipe's seat warm for Ferrari for the remainder of the season.

The Cheap Seats continue to wish for a complete recovery for Felipe -- the news that he's up and walking and off home to Spain next week was faaantastic to hear.

Whoops, my/our/your bad.

2009-07-26T15:30:00.001-07:00

Okay. This weekend has had two things that kept me awake - The rugby and the F1.

Firstly, all best wishes to Felipe Massa, who is still in an induced coma after an operation on his fractured skull.

And... Rugby. We, well, sucked. I've seen few posts around blaming the referee for our poor performance, and while the constant whistling was annoying, (especially for those of us who like the new ELV's) and often a bit shit, we need to take responsibility for the fact that if Ruaan Pienaar didn't suck worse than our catching that would have been a complete rout.

Not sure how we're going to do next week, but hopefully we can do a wee bit better, and the boks persist in not picking Morne Steyn.

And to continue with the F1 - wow. Quaifying was a nightmare, though Fernando Alonso got pole. And then his team promptly fucked up the pitstop, didn't put the wheel on properly and it came off. Which, in current circumstances was probably not a wise plan. The FIA have banned them from the European GP for excessive fail.
The European GP is in Spain. Which would mean Alonso not racing at home, unless he changes teams.

And which team could he go to? *cough* It's not as if there's a spare seat going... *cough cough*

Anyway, Lewis Hamilton won. Which is a nice change from Jenson Button.

Kimi Raikkonen needs a haircut.

He's back!

2009-07-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

Dan Carter just played his first game of rugby since snapping his ~~rubber band~~ Achilles tendon six months ago.

I pity whichever team was facing Southbridge -- you don't expect a club side from a two-horse town to contain one of the best players in the world, and I doubt they got much warning.

Dan admitted that he'd been a bit more careful than usual, but he's feeling okay and hopes to play for Canterbury next week in the NPC.

Yay!

Brevity

2009-07-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Brief Yay, I have just five minutes.

YAY - for The All Blacks proving half the country wrong. Including me. We love yous all. Especially Richie.

YAY - For England doing amazing things at Lords. We love that you're making Ricky Ponting angry.

And in the wise words of Jimmy - "It's not who wins or loses, it's who gets felt up."

Hold the Phone, They WHAT?

2009-07-17T18:12:00.001-07:00

Some idiot with an air rifle has been shooting at riders in the Tour de France.

WTF, over?

I ain't comin round here no more, there's peices of me all over this floor

2009-07-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

So, Andrew Flintoff is retiring.

The hard-hitting, pedalo-riding, game-winning lager lout first introduced to us in 2000 as Fat Freddie. He's finished.

I wanted to think of something really insightful, a way to pay tribute to a great player, a wicked entertainer, and by all accounts a good bloke.

But all I can think of is this - No matter who you support, Freddie on a good day was like none other, and there are few more watchable, cheerable or heroic.

We'll really bloody miss ya Fred.

When in Rome

2009-07-10T01:07:00.000-07:00

Hello possums! Last weekend I went on an expedition to foreign climes, namely a hop across the ditch to Melbourne to watch a friend of mine get married. (And it did happen -- matrimony was definitely the winner on the day! I wish a long and happy life to Glasshopper and his new wife K.)

I love Melbourne and I'm rather fond of Australia, as it happens, on the grounds that it's just like New Zealand except for when it's really, really not.

One of the things I really love about Melbourne is that nobody follows rugby there -- everybody's into Australian Rules Football, aka "rules" or "footy".

How much are Melbournians into their footy? The first time I visited, I found myself with a bit of free time and had a look through a local paper. The page headed "Religion" held... the footy results.

Last Friday night I found myself in my hotel room with very little inclination to go out, and that Melbournian phenomenon, Friday Night Footy, on the TV. Collingwood vs Essendon, one of the great grudge matches between two famous teams. (Hell, even I've heard of them, and I'm a New Zealander.)

So I watched the game.

All of it.

All two hours of it.

Why, you ask?

Well, there are 22 reasons per team, each in superb physical shape, wearing singlet tops and tiny shorts. And doing a lot of running and jumping and kicking. Seriously, what's not to like.

And it's different enough from rugby that I was riveted for the whole time, trying to work out how the game play went. No, really. I watched for the game play. As well.

Interestingly, every single Australian I talked to about it said "That was a crap game!" I don't know enough about how the game works to know whether it was crap or not. It was entertaining, and I'd like to see more of it.

And not just for the singlet tops and tiny shorts.

Honest.

If this had happened in a novel, we'd have said it was implausible

2009-07-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have a story to tell you. Settle in. You might want to get a cup of tea or something else nice and soothing. Gin is a good choice.

After the second test in Wellington, the one the Brat attended, some of the French rugby team went out on the town, as you do.

The next day, Mathieu Bastareaud appeared with stitches in his face and said he'd been attacked by five big brown guys. The police, aghast, started an investigation. Bastareaud went home to France. New Zealanders were horrified that something like this would happen here -- we love our rugby and we are as flag-wavy as the next guys about it (and consider that the next guys are Australia), but it's a bit beyond it to go attacking opposition players.

Now, I thought about posting something when this happened, but had this niggly feeling that there was a bit more to it, so decided to sit on it all for a while.

Fast-forward a few days. Bastareaud goes on holiday to the Caribbean. NZ police keep the investigation going. Then the manager of Bastareaud's club, Stade Francais, went to the media and told them that Bastareaud had told him that he'd lied about being attacked. Yep, that's right -- he lied, so he wouldn't be chucked off the French team for getting really, really pissed, doing a PFO[1] and whacking his head on the bedside table, resulting in the stitches in his face.

So, a person could be forgiven for thinking that's enough WTF for one week, right?

This has turned into a clusterfuck of massive proportions. Rumours are going round France that it wasn't a bedside table Bastareaud hit his head on, but rather a fist belonging to another member of the French rugby team. The whole matter has been referred to the French rugby disciplinary board, and it's going to be interesting to see what comes out of the investigation.

No matter which way it comes out, the person this has been hardest on is Bastareaud himself -- not only did he get injured (even if it's still not clear how), he lied to police in New Zealand about what happened, may be part of a coverup of appalling behaviour on other players' parts, and is currently in a psychiatric ward after apparently cracking up under the strain and attempting suicide.

The poor bastard. I genuinely wish him well and hope he feels better soon -- this is not a good state for anybody to be in.

But wait, there's more!

For an extra dose of WTF, the French government has apologised for Bastareaud's behaviour. Which is cool. Unutterably cool. Seriously, seriously cool. And marks a sea-change in the way the French government treats appalling acts of awfulness committed by its citizens in other countries.

See, I am old enough to remember the bombing of the Rainbow Warrior, for which the French government has not yet apologised.

I'm sure there's more to come out of this whole sorry mess. Let's hope it includes Bastareaud's full recovery. Even if his international rugby career is effectively over, he does deserve that.

[1] Pissed, Fall Over

Game of two halves and fail continues to win

2009-06-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

*cue music* I've got a theory...

As to why the All Blacks have been playing so dismally. (Aside from the fact the Hurricanes broke half the best players, whoops, our bad) And that theory is something that is missing from the pre-match routine, administered by the captain, Richie McCaw.

Pre-match spankings.

No, no hear me out. If you were being told, by Richie McCaw, that he'll spank you if you drop the ball all the damn time, you wouldn't drop the ball. Unless you like that sort of thing. Then all he would have to do is threaten to put a stop to the spankings. Voila, the AB's suck less.

(Im not saying which spanking group I fall into. Its embarrassing.)

I have seen the future, and it is now!

2009-06-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

I have seen the greatest spectator sport EVAR.

That sport is contortionist archery.

No shit. These women pull the bows with their toes, shooting arrows at targets.

Like this...
So - Hot women, leotards, strange positions, deadly weaponry.

What else could match that? This sport has everything.

In the realms of unconciousness...

2009-06-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

So, we are playing the French in Wellington tomorrow night, and I will indeed be going. (and stalking the French but that's a whole 'nother story.)

But, following Madame Backslash's lead, I thought I would include some more useful French phrases.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
Votre mère était un hamster et vos odeurs de père des baies de sureau.

How much have you paid the referee?
Combien avez-vous payé à l'arbitre ?

I recognise you from dieux du stade... That picture was hot.
Je vous identifie de dieux du stade… Cette image était chaude.

You wear pink underwear.
Vous utilisez les sous-vêtements roses.

In other, rugby related news,

Dear Universe,

While my workout was greatly enhanced by the chance to watch a dozen All Blacks get sweaty from my vantage point on the elliptical - Why was it on the day when I am wearing my sloppiest trackies and sweating like a pig?

Love,
Brat.

P.S. At least we know they're doing something.
P.P.S. Corey Jane up close... Delicious.

PLUS - There's only seven days left to join my plane, do it, you know you want to.

https://www.scoreaplane.co.nz/default.htm?n=36V2211UO&m=joinPlane

As for the cricket - All I'm going to say is I feel a profound urge to find Marty Guptill and cuddle him. A lot.

Competition time...

2009-06-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Air New Zealand are doing the whole "fill up a plane and we'll take you to the rugby" thing again this year. Which I think is cool. So I've started a team, and instead of spamming yous all with emails from Air NZ, I thought I would make this post and encourage those reading it to click this link and include themselves in the plane.

https://www.scoreaplane.co.nz/default.htm?n=36V2211UO&m=joinPlane

The plane is naturally called "The Cheap Seats". And i get to be in CHARGE mwahahaha.

Le sigh

2009-06-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it was a game of two halves and Fail was the winner on the day.

I didn't cry, impressively enough. Mostly because I had the entire game to get used to the fact we were going to lose.

Cos, y'know, We sucked.

Okay, so did the referee. Hard. And in the second half, so did France, a bit.

But we couldn't hold onto the ball, and in the first half, the French got every turnover that was going and several that weren't. They played the referee better than we did, and also actually seemed to know what the rules were.

So, basically, the French deserved to win.

They are also FUCKING HUGE O M G!!! I don't know quite what they eat in France, but those boys have certainly been eating a lot of it. This means that when they tackle something, it stays tackled. Which was something we didn't manage, which meant they scored, a lot.

Really, I don't know if we will be able to pull it back in just a week. Our second half was certainly better than our first, thanks to Graham Henry gave the boys a kick up the jacksie so hard they'll be tasting dubbin for days, but our inability to gel will probably take a bit longer to fix.

And you know whats even worse? I think they're better looking than we are... In a Eurotrash kind of way, of course.

Edit because a performance as bad as this one does not deserve it's own post,

Dear Slack Caps,

RE: Your Batting.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Why did you bat first at all? Why keep sweeping? How the fuck did you manage to get all out?

99... bloody hell.

No love for at least three days,
Brat.

P.S Highlight of the match - Brendon McCullum taking out Marty Guptill. Honestly if the All Blacks had tackled like that they might have won.

Helpful Terms

2009-06-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

The All Blacks are playing France at Carisbrook tonight. I won't be going because it's no fun without the Brat, who is still suffering from a case of Wrong City Syndrome.

For those of you who are attending, here are some helpful terms that may assist in your enjoyment of the experience, with thanks to Babelfish for translation.

Your mum wears combat boots!

Votre maman porte des bottes de combat!

All of your base are belong to us!

Toute votre base sont appartiennent à nous!

For great justice!

Pour la grande justice!

Oh my god, there's an axe in my head!

Oh mon dieu, il y a une hache dans ma tête!

Jesus Christ, it's a lion! Get in the car!

Jésus-Christ c'est un lion! Obtiennent dans la voiture!

You are a velocipede!

Vous êtes un vélo sur rail!

The pen of my aunt!

La plume de ma tante!

2009-06-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

And yes, Coney has proved me right. He's just come out with this gem "Connell is from the same area of New Zealand as Ewan Chatfield - steady, dutiful horse that he was."

Seriously. Why is this man constantly comparing other cricketers to things you ride?

And I've been told I'm not allowed to say awful things about Jesse Ryder's groin infection. So share your best joke with me!

The Italian Job

2009-06-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

We nearly had one of the great upsets of world sport this morning. The All Whites squared up against Italy, one of the towering colossi of the soccer world, for a friendly match in Pretoria.

With the score at 2 - 1 to the All Whites at half time, yours truly was holding her breath (always fun when trying to work) waiting to hear whether or not they would prevail.

Sadly the answer was no, with the final score 4 - 3 in favour in Italy.

A round of applause (and a round at the pub, hopefully) to the All Whites -- scoring any goals against Italy at all is an achievement, never mind scaring them the way you did.

You've made this Kiwi proud.

What a Parbola!

2009-06-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

I thought Sky, quite rightly, stopped giving Jeremy Coney a platform from which to say stupid things?

Wonder if he'll be calling Brendon McCullum a velocipede again. Cos how does Coney know that Baz is the team bike?

Totally keeping a straight face...

2009-06-08T15:23:00.001-07:00

I have Australian friends, I know they love their cricket team. So Muffin, Dan, Maddy, avert your eyes now...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... The Aussies and their awful uniforms have not made it to the super eight.

On the down side, this means we now have the ugliest uniforms remaining in the tournament.

MySky? My arse.

2009-06-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

So, due to excessive MySky fail, I didn't see us have a wee wobble against Scotland, although I hear some of it was rather good. I also think having a game decided by seven overs of slog is retarded and indicative of the silliness that is twenty20 in the main. Although I am totally loving the upsets (well done the Windies!) I remain sceptical that this is the future of cricket.

And, for something completely different- Barbarians were funny and Luke McCalister seems to have eaten all the pies.
Roger Federer is now the best tennis player evar and I'm going to have to listen to the Mothership rhapsodising over him for a long while.
And, I'm over Jenson Button winning as the BBC commentators are becoming the most obnoxious things to ever grace the airwaves.

Why does my predictive text have 'fielding' but not 'field'?

2009-06-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

So, we've got some cricket back, and the real rugby is just about to start - And I'm mostly wondering why they all have one season, but there you go.

The All Blacks are failing already this season - Richard Kahui is broken and with Dan Carter and Richie McCaw out we are not sure who will be bringing the sexy back for the AB's this year. Lets hope we find someone, or the Springboks will take out the tri-nations pretty award.

And I would like it put on record that we have to stuff the French in no uncertain terms or I will cry.

Annnnnnnd, onto the cricket - and for your daily installment of WHAT THE FUCK? England lost the opening match. Against the Dutch. Yes, I did a double take too. There are only four professional cricketers in that team, and the English have squizillions at their disposal. I dont know what happened, so would someone like to fill me in?

NZ play Scotland tonight, and if we don't win, I suggest all test-playing nations should pack in this twenty20 bullshit and go play tests, lest we all be deeply embarrassed.

And from the "Are we sure they werent playing cricket?" files, The New Zealand juniors rugby side beat Uruguay 75-0. Hat-trick hero was one (cleanly shaven) Zac Gilford. Yay.

Annnnnd lastly, the Cheap Seats would like to bid a not-especially-fond farewell to Andrew Symonds, who after further behaving like a drunken monkey has been sent home with his contract in tatters. After what he (drunkenly) said about our Brendon McCullum on the radio, I can't say we're sad to see him go. Well, I could, but it would be a lie.
Jesse, this is what happens when you don't get a clue. We're kinda glad to see you getting a clue, really.

Im only sniggering a little bit

2009-05-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, I didn't actually watch the Super 14 final. Roland Garros was on, see, and my mum is in charge of the telly when it comes to all tennis related matters.

And, I didn't actually care that much...

But it seems the Chiefs got utterly and comprehensively pwned. Which is embarrassing, as they're supposed to be the best this country has to offer. Can we blame Suzie?

With Richie McCaw still a bit stuffed, and Scott Waldrom broken into three pieces, who the AB's openside will be is interesting. Whether Rodney So'oialo will get the nod as captain is also interesting. Who the frick we're going to put at lock will be furtherly interesting.

I think we should send a big "Get Well Soon" card to everyone who got broken by this years Super 14. Why are they expanding it again?

And in other, vaguely annoying news - Chelsea won the FA cup.

In Which We Are Officially Underwhelmed

2009-05-24T02:24:00.000-07:00

Well, that sucks.

Both the Hurricanes and the Crusaders lost, meaning the final will be in Pretoria between the Bulls and the Chiefs.

This leads to a dilemma. The Chiefs are the Chiefs and the Bulls are South African, so it all comes down to which team we want to lose the least.

We at the Cheap Seats have this thing about supporting the underdog. The Bulls are going to be on their home turf, and it's the opinion of both the Brat and I that they are the stronger team, so here it is...

GO CHIEFS, we suppose.

At least they have Richard Kahui.

Fiji, Baby!

2009-05-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, okay, we lost.

But having never been to Hamiltron, City of the Future, before, I am finding it to be pleasant, warm and the stadium to be entirely awsome in a way that is reminicent of Athletic Park.

The game rocked too. All of it was exciting, but I knew when that fog rolled in that we would come off second best (Christchurch, anyone?) Those 'Canes need to learn to play under pressure, and not drop the ball all the damn time. Perhaps it was because they shaved. We, the public, are glad they shaved, however. I was also very impressed with the refereeing, and just... it was oarsome. The whole thing. Except the losing.

Then there was drinking. And now I am in a state that is not hung over, just merely over.

And now Im going to yell at the Crusaders tonight, because, well... We cant have a final in Saffrica, can we?

Enter... Cricket. The hit-and-giggle World Cup is coming up (I know because Iain O'Brien said so in his blog) And I would like to take a vote on whether it actually really matters. I vote no, because our uniforms are so silly.

Annnnnnd Because it's tangentially related to Twenty20 cricket (he does play it after all) here's Aiden Blizzard.

See, if he had been in that calendar, I woulda bought it.

It's Semi-Final Time

2009-05-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

So it's Super 14 semi-finals weekend. The Brat has gone to Hamiltron, City of the Future, for the Chiefs vs Hurricanes game, where she reports she has found a bar with free bubbly for girls and a free bus to the game. (She always lands on her feet, does the Brat.)

The Cheap Seats' pick for this match is the Hurricanes, for two reasons:

1. They're the Brat's home team.

2. If they lose it means the Chiefs are in the final, and well, come on.

The other semi-final is in Pretoria tomorrow, between the Bulls and the Crusaders. Our pick for this match is the Crusaders, also for two reasons:

1. They're my home team (yeah yeah I've lived in Otago for 20 years, but they're still my home team, okay?).

2. If they lose it means the Bulls are in the final. And we just can't have that, can we?

Brat and I have a mutual support agreement in place for this set of fixtures -- I'll support the Hurricanes for the first semi and she'll support the Crusaders for the second.

If they meet in the final, all bets are off.

Reports of my death have been mildly exaggerated

2009-04-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

So, sports fans, I've been ill. Really ill actually, which is sucky.

BUT! I have been using the time when I am sprawled on my couch to do things like watch rugby and IPL and bad football movies.

So, how about that Super14. How awesome are the Hurricanes? Yes, the answer is "really really awesome." Although Stirling Mortlock was not hit by a meteor, he did get owned by Corey Jane, and his team got completely owned by the 'Canes. Eight tries. It was glorious to watch. It was glorious to be at (and I don't just say that because I get a kick out of being allowed to leave the house). Only bad point was the morons who sat behind me, giving the three people in Petone who aren't bogans a bad name. Bring on the Blues!

Though, note to said awesome Hurricanes, Shave. For the love of all that is holy, shave. Corey, this is especially relevant for you. That thing growing on your face is nastay.

Also mad props to the New Zealand Army team, who stuffed the Australian Army team 26-0 in the curtain raiser.

I really don't have much of an opinion on the rest of the Super14, except to say that I have watched the highlanders and can only come to one conclusion. Jimmy Cowan is a moron. (Seriously, who the hell picks a fight with AJ Venter?)

Oh, and the Crusaders lost to the Cheetahs. Hahahaahaaaaa...

And I watched some of the IPL, and really, just when you thought the uniforms couldn't get any more ridiculous, the Indians prove us wrong. What's happened to Brendon McCullum anyways? Did he forget to take his batting ability to the Republic?

Bring a snorkel

2009-04-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

So it turns out all the hoo-ha about whether the diffuser on the Brawn GP etc cars is legal doesn't make the blindest bit of difference when there's so much water on the track that the cars are aquaplaning.

Good on ya Sebastian Vettel of Red Bull for taking out the China GP in such appalling conditions.

Now let's see you do it on a dry track.

Oh my

2009-04-09T02:27:00.000-07:00

Go and read this weeks's Field Theory blog entry over at Public Address.

No more need be said, really, does it?

Oops.

2009-03-27T23:57:00.000-07:00

OKay, we apologise. We will no longer be calling them the "Slack Caps". We don't know where they pulled their current performance from, but it's awesome.

We're still calling ol' Jesse an idiot though, for breaking his bat when he got out. That would have been an expensive bat. Even if he didn't pay for it.

2009-03-22T19:40:00.001-07:00

Things that amuse me. (aside from the phrase "cheese on a stick")

1. The Blues. Man, they suck. They got beat something like a zillion to half a zillion by the Chiefs. The game was a bit pants, but good in a watching-on-prime-on-sunday-avo kind of way.

2. Team Kiwi. Not just cos theyre racing V8's. But cos theyre doing it in a hire car.

3. The Warriors. What's this winning all about then? And has Stacey Jones actually aged at all in the time he's been away from the game, or has he found the same fountain of youth that the Briscoes lady has been drinking from?

4. The Slack Caps. They suck worse than the Blues. And Iain O'Brien seems to have fallen off the curry wagon. (seriously, thats all he seems to eat. Maybe he's pandering to the eleventy billion Indian commenters that seem to have shown up on his blog.)

5. Bernie Ecclestone. No Bern, no one likes your "winner take all" competition format. Not even your mum.

5. The Red Bull f1 teams and their current game of "collect the Sebastien's" Of their four drivers, three are named Seb.

6. The Cheetahs. Whom I even let get out of Dunedin without stalking them. Arent we all proud?

A rose by any other name...

2009-03-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

So, now is the time we can start wheeling out all the old names for the black caps. And what time is this, you ask? 51 for 5, thats what the time is.

So, whats it to be? The Slack Caps? The Black Cats? The Door Mats?

On the other hand, Yay, Chris Martin is back! We missed him, at least we know he cant bat.

And, because no one else seems to care... Well Done White Ferns! Theyre a shoe-in for the World Cup final, beating the Indian women in the semi's.

Like fruit salad, here's some of everything.

2009-03-02T23:45:00.000-08:00

First of all, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who was affected by the terror attacks in Lahore a few hours ago. It is reassuring to hear that the players are all out safely.

Okay, I'm back.

I have a room with no furniture, and it appears I also can has autumn. I miss summer already. The Cheap Seats have a hub, but no bar, thanks to the demise of the grand and glorious Bowler (Which Madame and I sent off in style...)

The twenty20's have been rife, with the Black caps making up for the utter fail of their run chase in Sydney by stuttering their way to two victories.
Brendon McCullum was amazing, despite not going for the gigantic fucking slog everyone seemed to think he had to carry out. Instead he, gasp, steered both our inning's in a fashion that was both entertaining and intelligent. If he keeps that up I might have to stop considering twenty20 the red-haired stepchild of real cricket.

Now, it should be noted that these games were played in February, which is still (though not in Dunedin) late summer. On the first day of Autumn there was another twenty20 game. Madame Backslash has already discussed the rain which ruined that one. The efforts of the ground staff were herculean, the Canterbury boys stealing Aaron Redmond's rugby ball was highlarious but watching Otago win by default... Uninspiring.

And just to top it off for the first ODI it is raining. In Napier. Napier is the place I gave myself first degree sunburns. It never rains in Napier. At least not in summer.

Although as I wrote this post I got to watch a replay of the game that I gave myself such horrible sunburn at, last time India played in Napier. I even wrote about it in my diary. The entry was emo, but that game was a good one.

And now for another episode of, The More You Know... *cue theme music*

They actually played CricketMAX internationals! (for those of you who don't know, if twenty20 is the red-haired stepchild of real cricket, then cricketMAX was the partial-birth abortion. It was like a forty over test match, one side batted ten overs, then the other, then the first side again, and the second. There was also the opportunity to get extra runs by hitting the ball into certain areas of the ground. It was terrible, and also entirely Martin Crowe's fault.) But apparently they played six international cricketMAX games, the last of which was NZ vs India in 2002. I got to watch the replay, and it was just as awful as I remember.
Note - 20 year old Brendon McCullum did in that game exactly what he did in the recent twenty20's. The boy has always been a class act.

As a nice slide from cricket to rugby, the Otago Highlanders came to play cricket against some students at Otago Uni today. They were good at batting, good at bowling but shit at catching. Which may go some way to explaining their current position on the Super 14 ladder. Jimmy Cowan especially seemed afraid of the ball. Which was yellow. And plastic.

Actually, given how bad the kiwi teams have been performing I don't think I'll talk about rugby, except to say that the Highlanders playing against the Crusaders as the warm up act for Shihad is O for Oarsome.
Oh, and big ups to the Hurricanes for beating the Crusaders. I'm going to be rubbing it in to Madame backslash for, oh, at least the next six months.

Wow... Long update is long.

Woe!

2009-03-02T22:36:00.000-08:00

The Sri Lankan cricket team, which is currently touring Pakistan, was attacked on their way to the test in Lahore. At time of writing, eight players are listed as injured (two seriously) and five Pakistani police officers are dead. The rest of the tour has been cancelled.

To the perpetrators, I'd just like to say WTF, people??!? Whatever you're pissed off with the Sri Lankan government about (if anything), it's pretty unlikely the cricket team had anything to do with it. And even so, what the hell is wrong with placards, a strongly-worded letter to the Editor or, if you're really riled, chaining yourself to something?

The Cheap Seats is appalled by these events, and wish a swift, safe recovery to the injured players and condolences to the families of the officers who died in the line of duty.

Let's have no more of this, eh?

Weather 1, Twenty20 0

2009-03-01T20:29:00.000-08:00

So the Brat, the Weasel and I duly trundled off to the University Oval for the Twenty20 match, staking out our claim in the "family" (ie "munter-free") section of the ground. Where we sat and drank beer (out of cans, blech) (except for the Weasel, who is underage, who had fizzy drink instead), ate chips and watched as they brought in a helicopter (aka "giant fan") to dry out the pitch and outfield.

Pitch duly dried and giant fan flown away... it started to drizzle. And the drizzle got heavier and heavier, until it was actual rain. The drizzle started at 4pm, and the match wasn't actually called off until 5pm, by which time the Weasel and I (who are clearly not as waterproof as the Brat) had bailed and called for extraction.

So it was an interesting experience, but it would've been nice to actually have, y'know, _seen some cricket_.

Oh FFS Dunedin!

2009-02-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

It's common wisdom that February and March are the best, most settled weather for the pursuit of such outdoor activities as cricket and its close cousin Twenty20.

I only have one thing to say to that: Bollocks.

The State Twenty20 final is due to start at 2.30 today. It rained buckets overnight, to the point where I got soaked to the skin during a ten-minute walk out in it. And it was still raining when I dragged my hungover self out of bed at 9.30 this morning.

So, because it's not actually raining _right now_, they've decided to take some time to figure out whether to proceed. The decision will be made at... 2.30. When the Brat, the Weasel and I will already be at the Oval either getting wet or trying to find a place to put our blanket down where it won't be soaked through in five seconds flat.

Bloody ridiculous.

Go the Penrith Panthers!

2009-02-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

Now that might seem like an odd headline for someone to post when it's reasonably widely known that they don't give a fourpenny sideways about rugby league.

But when the Panthers do something as cool as hire Aussie league's first openly gay cheerleader, I think they deserve a bit of recognition for it.

So go the Panthers and go Aaron Neich! I wish you a long and happy career in your chosen art.

Posting while drunk - both big AND clever

2009-02-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

So. One would think, from the lack of updates, That the cheap seats were done and I had watched none of the rugby.

But you would be wrong. I watched ALL of the rugby. All the teams I barracked for lost. And I watched the twenty20. And Vic beating NSW in the Sheffield shield. And I have been on an MCG tour.

But, being fatigued, exhausted and emotionally drained (not to mention having made a GIGANTIC arse of myself - sober - in front of Iain O'Brien) I'm not going to update about any of that. Instead I am going to pose this question

What is the correct response to the lyrics

I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone?

a) But untill they leave I'll keep hooking into this cute Irish guy.
b)And at least as theyre leaving they still have their shirts off.
c) The reason they're gone is because Tori picked them all up last night.
or
d) And your mum?

See you back in kiwiland...

The day of epicness

2009-02-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

So.

Yesterday.

Well.

I headed off to the cricket at 10am, cos I am a freak like that and I was meeting a friend in a pub at 10:30 before the gates opened. And of course, it was pissing down with rain. So we sat in this pub, well past the appointed start time of the cricket, and figured it would be cancelled, stuff would be a draw, and all would be sucky.

I waited until 4:30 when I could see no sign of improvement and hopped on a bus to go back to the hostel and watch the Highlanders snatch defeat from the jaws of victory as is their usual custom.

Then I went next door to the net cafe and had a heart attack when I realised that yes, there was gonna be some cricket, holy shit. One mad dash and taxi ride and madder dash later, I'm in someone else's seat yelling and screaming and loving my cricket, even if it had turned into a twenty20.

Then the rain returned, i stood in it, for it was beautiful and soft and heavy and tropical and all kinds of gorgeous, so I ended up soaked to the skin and being snogged by random Australian who had never thought of the beauty of his own town's rain before.

And somehow, despite more than 3/4ths of the game being played, and us being ahead on the D/L par score, they abandoned a match we should have won. Martin Guptill was utterly amazing. Fults was good, Tayor needs a spanking every time he tries to play on the leg side, and Daimante (who is much older than he looks) was very cool. We should have won. Moral frigging victory to us my friends.

I'm heading off to Melbourne tomorrow, whereby I return to the deep south as a homeless person until I can find a flat. I'm not going to the actual twenty20 in Sydney, as it would have cost an arm, leg and my future firstborn to buy the tickets. I'll watch it on telly in Melbourne.

If you don't think the cheap seats are a place for sappiness, turn away now...
Because of the way NZC have scheduled no tests in the South Island and only one ODI, I will probably not see my boys in the flesh again this summer. I am feeling quite melancholy about that, (aided by the huge amount of alcohol Ive been drinking) and I would just like to say to any of them who might be reading, and any of my readers who actually care, that I just love seeing live cricket, I've loved it, it's been awesome, and win, lose or draw, they're my absolute heroes.

Bring on India.

Bring on Rugby.

Long Live Cricket.

OH. MY. GOD

2009-02-13T05:34:00.000-08:00

News from Brisbane...

I am shattered, both emotionally and physically.

Will update properly tomorrow.

Apologies to Neil Broom for blaming him for the rain on O'Briens blog.

Highlanders still suck.

Hurricanes play tomorrow.

Im going to bed before I cry.

Argh

2009-02-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

And now your news from Brisbane, Australia.

It is raining.

AAAAARGH!

Pass the bucket, Peter.

2009-02-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

Further news from Sydney, Australia. (But my flight to Brisbane leaves tonight)

Firstly - Something serious. The fires in Queensland, devastating, deliberate utterly utterly awful... And now things need to be done. If you're in Australia reading this, go to your local blood bank and donate blood. Next week when I return to Melbourne I will see if being a kiwi means I can donate blood too.
If you're not in Australia, send money. Really. Call your local Red Cross, they're setting up that sorta thing.

Now for the cricket... Tobias the German has been educated as to the differences between cricket and golf (which are of course many and varied, cricket actually being a sport and golf well... not.) And the Aussies have recalled everyone they thought they would beat us without and have started beating us. But not by much! Its setting up to be a real tough one in Brisbane on Friday (The 13th, Black Friday, think that might help us any?) I'll try not to cry if we lose this time.

And guess what also happens on Friday? The super 14 starts. may I be the first to ask Why are we playing rugby in summer again? Fortunately my Hurricanes are playing on Saturday so I won't have any "oh no what should I watch" dilemmas. Tobias, who has decided he likes this Brat enough to follow her to Brisbane, may get disappointed when he figures out that yes, all I do is watch sport and drink. Really.

Hope my next post will be about our awesome win!

"Sign her Tits Tim!"

2009-02-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

And now your news from Sydney Australia.

Ive been to two games... In Australia. of course the first at the MCG was really brilliant, we won, I watched ostrich boy and Neil Broom (Broom, really?) win it for us. Elliott should have got man of the match, but having no hands, he couldn't accept a large cheque, so they gave it to pup. I was never worried about our state of the game, so long as we keep the Aussies batting boring, we would be fine.

They batted exciting today in Sydney. it was great. It was hot, (I have very bad bikini sunburn) and we bowled badly. Really really badly. Tim Southee was asked to sign Maddy's autograph book, whereby the crowd decided he should sign her boobs. Timmeee, next time you're presented with opportunity to sign a nice pair of tits, take it mate.

I though I couldn't love and respect Baz McCullum more than I did... I do now. So full of painkillers he could barely stand up, a face the colour of milk, sweating like it was the heat of the day in India... And he still smashes sixes. What a fucking hero.

Still 2-1 up.

Quote of the night comes from Tobias, the German in my room - "So cricket, that is kind of like golf?"

No Toby, no it is not.

Off the field my wallet has been stolen, I have no money, and am very sunburned. Bad, bad times.

Guptill fan club now has five members. Tomorrow I'll put it on facebook.

See yous all in Brissie!

Happy Perthday

2009-02-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

I was planning on writing about both games I've been lucky enough to attend in Perth - the final game of the SA/OZ ODI series followed by NZ's frist crack at the vulnerable Aussies.

Screw that. It's not every day we travel to Australia - the far end of it at that, and win.

My seats for both games weren't cheap - so let's ignore the title of this blog while we give thanks for shade on a 38 degree Perth day. The view from the top of the Prindiville stand is one of the best in the ground.

NZ supporters were few and far between and I was not about to throw on my ODI shirt when surrounded by yellow clad aussies. Yes, call me a wimp and I'll just agree with you.

There is nothing threatening about our bowling attack, and given the groundsman's prediction of a belter, I was surprised at how tightly we bowled. Add to that a typically tidy fielding performance and at one stage it was looking like Oz would be bowled for around 150. I felt a little less comfortable with things as they edged over the 180 mark. We could well struggle, and as it turned out, we didn't make easy work of it at all.

I guess the Broom dismissal has to be mentioned. To me, the TV evidence doesn't lie, and that's really all I can say about that. There's no shame in admitting a genuine mistake is there Mr Haddin? I can only assume that Australia are looking at a different set of footage than the rest of us.

Given that we are experts in the art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, I wasn't too surprised at how things turned out. As wickets fell towards the end, I sunk further into my seat and kicked my ODI shirt further out of sight.

The final overs went on for an eternity. What was it you had to talk to Nathan Bracken about after every single ball, Ricky? Finally, the last six balls arrived, and I would have happily taken a draw at this point. What had looked simple four overs ago now looked like it would all go horribly wrong. Enter Danny. How he struck that four is still a mystery, but thank God he did.

Much screaming and jumping followed, and not just from angry Aussies. We'd won. The feeling was indescribable. It still is. There's nothing quite like getting one over on the old foe.

Special mention to the beer snake of doom and the streaker who went all the way.

Now it's off to Melbourne. Who knows? Maybe we'll win again.

Full Credit to, well... Everyone.

2009-02-01T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well, despite the blindness of the umpires, we won. We actually actually won. And I will be in Melbourne for the next game. I'm all a-quiver.

And, despite dodgy knees and an even dodgier bandanna, Rafa won. Which is awesome. Even though it made Roger prove that he is a big wuss. Buck Shelford wouldn't have cried.

So. It was a night of two games, everyone gave a hundred and ten percent, and my multi-bet was the winner on the day.

Oh, and I suppose I should mention that Northern won the State Shield against Otago a few days ago. I like the look of this Kane Williamson. (And not just like that.)

George came up with the best quote ever to describe Grant Elliot - "Elliot can't bat, he's an ostrich! Ostriches don't have hands!"

Things I can admit.

2009-01-31T23:27:00.000-08:00

I, The Brat, am often wrong.

I was wrong laughing about the prediction that us Black Caps could beat Australia.

Having Aus 154 for 9, was not something I ever expected to happen.

So. I was wrong. Let's hope I continue to be wrong.

ETA1: Im looking less wrong.

ETA2: civil war ended up being over whether we watched the cricket or the tennis. The Mothership won. Im glad Rog is losing.

Make love, not war.

2009-01-30T16:55:00.001-08:00

I was gong to write something about the imminent civil war in my house, given Federer is playing Nadal in the final...

Then I saw this

I didn't know they molested each other in tennis! Excellent!

More Balls

2009-01-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

So... Having been ~~fired~~ downsized, I suppose I should update more often. And I have been doing some sport watching. The Australian Open is on, and while I'm not really one for tennis [Edit by someone "nameless" - Yeah right, the Brat is into anything with balls] I've been quite enjoying it. I like Nadal, The Mothership likes Federer, so we have some good arguments about who is better. When neither of these people are playing we use a system to decide who to support. If it is a women's game, we support the woman with the dress we think is the nicest. If it's men's, we support the one we think is the best looking.

It, quite naturally, scares me when we agree.

I was very disappointed the other day when Federer came back from two sets down against Tomas Berdych, a tall, blonde Czech with cheekbones you could cut yourself on. The game from both players was a fantastic example of the psychology of tennis, and who had the mind game to win. I fully expect one Ken Hodge to be using the game as an example in his lectures next year. Great game to watch for more normal people too.

The Australian Open website www.australianopen.com is well designed with all the info you will ever need, so go check it out.

And in completely different balls, South Africa have beaten Australia. And of course here in New Zealand it's being talked about how this will be the perfect time to take them down, to win the Chappell-Hadlee and make them Aussies humiliation complete. I suggest the people who say things like that should have a good hard look at the way we have been playing recently. Because really. They're being a bit silly.

Guest Post! by an Aussie!

2009-01-24T20:34:00.000-08:00

So Brendon McCullum is being borrowed by NSW for the KFC T20 final.
I'm a little conflicted on this myself, personally I wouldn't mind borrowing young Baz for a game or two, but cricket would not be one of the games.
I think it's a little unfair to the regular player who will be missing out tonight, and to the Vics who didn't get to pull in one of the best T20 players in the world at the last minute, and as a Melbournian that we didn't get to him first.

But un-australian Mr Symmonds?

Not on your life, "borrowing" something great from the kiwis is as Australian as Pharlap, or Neil Finn, or Russell Crowe (when he's winning shit, and not throwing phones at people).

The Muffin from Melbourne.

The nice ones

2009-01-21T14:52:00.001-08:00

Proving that she doesn't just blog about sport, but play it too, The Brat and my friend George headed out to do some pre-season football training. Partly to increase the chances of George making the A squad again, partly to get my new boots, which were cheap but may be the wankiest looking boots on earth dusty.

As we practiced our crosses, a sweaty man came over and in a very "Bend it like Beckham" moment asked if we played for any side. I responded in the negative, and he asked why, as we both looked as if we had talent. I called George over and she told him she played for Wellington United. I didn't mention I hadn't played for two years due to my body falling apart in undignified ways.

Sweaty man turned out to be Michael Utting, former All White goalie and someone who had the misfortune of playing for both the knights and the kingz. We shook hands, he wished us luck, and we said we would be about a bit so we might bump into him again.

We then grinned for the rest of the day.

It's quite a training motivator, meeting an old hero.

It's All About The Silver Lining

2009-01-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Cowan has been named as Captain of the Otago Highlanders for this year's Super 14.

This means we have an idiot as our captain.

On the bright side, he appears to have gotten over his difficulties with alcohol, so we don't have a _drunken_ idiot as our captain.

Things I decided while drinking JB and gingerbeer

2009-01-12T23:02:00.001-08:00

Sunshine - good. But not good enough. The Windies lost by 9 runs via Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis.
Chris Gayle - good. But not good enough. His middle order sucked gigantic penis.
Man hit in face by six - funny for us, not so much for him I'd imagine.
Ross Taylor in the field - good. Took 2 stunners, one while running along the boundary. Infact the Black Caps fielding as a whole was good.
Batting wickets - nice for a change.
Scott Styris giving away team secrets - funny.
CONSTANT duck quacking noises from the stands - really fucking BAD. WTF?? YOU WANT ME TO GET MY SHOTGUN? DON'T THINK I WON'T!!
Simon Doulls hair - receding and greasy.

The crux of it all was we won the (serious rain interupted) series 2-1. Pity they didn't hold all the matches here in Nelson. We haven't had rain since Christmas and our ground is so small everyone could have had hundreds. Live and learn New Zealand cricket, live and learn.

Two Letters

2009-01-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Jesse Ryder,

This is a serious letter as your drinking is obviously a serious matter.

You are talented. Really talented. But you need to address one fact.

You have a drinking problem.

The fact you can't have just one indicates you may be an alcoholic.

They say you're on your last chance. I say that chance should be on the condition you show up to AA and take that first step.

Yours, the Kiwi public who just want to see you play.

Dear Martin Guptill,

The Cheap Seats are now officially starting you a fan club. You utterly rule.

Love,

(PS, comment to join the Martin Guptill Fan Club)

[Posted on behalf of The Brat, who is locked in a tin shed with nothing but a stack of paper for company]

Notes on a rain delay

2009-01-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

Basin Brat has asked me to make some comments on the 4th ODI in Auckland this afternoon as she is tied up in the lions den with a hot boy.

It was a great pity that the game didn't get to be played until the end, if only for Martin Guptill's sake (side note: having never seen Guptill play before I was expecting him to look more Jeetan Patel, less Sean Pollock).
His 122 not out on debut was the highlight of the match and to see him salute his home crowd was pretty damn special.

The Windies were just getting underway after the first rain delay, chasing a revised target when the covers came on again. We were treated to The Coolest Man in Cricket hitting it all over the show as he does and Chattergoon just getting into this stride. Alas the fickle January weather came in and ballsed up another game. You'd think this was England the way this series has gone.

Sky did make up for it by showing highlights of a match from the Teal Era. Back when Nash had hair and Parore was our angry little man. Chris Cairns was doing a fine job impersonating Burt Reynolds with his porny 'tache and Scott Styris was thinner. Back when we could beat a substandard outfit 4 matches on the trot and look damed stylish while doing it. Back when I knew the players in the team. Who the hell is Neil Broom??
I'm going to go and sit in my rocking chair on the porch and bemoan the youth of today because Sky has managed to make me feel old.

One other thing I'd like to say.
How many more chances does Jesse Ryder get? Seriously, the boy needs a good smack. Who is he screwing to have kept his job this long?
And same goes for Skippy Sinclair. Send him back to CD and throw away the key.

See you in Napier on Tuesday, don't forget the brolly,
Lucy

Fly-by updates

2009-01-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

Notes on the game at the Cake Tin.

- See. Bowl first. Really, really bowl first.

- Who knew we could bowl like that? Really?

- A tip in the tradition of Pulp Sport, spirits can be gotten into grounds inside those big bottles of gum. Just take the gum out first, thicko. This will also leave you chewing gum for the next week.

- I had some pics, but they all turned out to be of Tim Southee. Sorry about that. And they get worse the more gin I drink.

- What were the young women draping themselves over Flynnyflynnflynn at 3am on and where can I get some?

- And finally seeing some live, international cricket? PRICELESS

Updates will continue to be sporadic as continue to work 11 hour days. Hopefully Madame can keep things ticking along. And keep an eye out for some guest entries!

HAPPY NEW YEARSSSSS

2008-12-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

Oh yes. I have cricket. I have beer. I have Chattergoon (note: Best Name Evar) getting out to Gillespie.

This is good.

Updates as ~~I drink more~~ they occour.

ETA 1: Oh yay, go Kyle.

Freya thinks the uniforms are pretty.

I need better friends.

ETA2: George thinks the uniforms are ugly.

And dan is being athletic.

And Muffin from Melbourne thinks I should stop drinking.

ETA3. Timmeee. Oh yes. Oh yes. Thats orgasmic. x2

ooooooh yyyeeeh

ETA4: Rain. it NEVER rains in high country Otgao. Never. They have constant droughts. Oh well, at leat we can go back to a time when our uniforms were cooler than the Windies. And Oconnor was playing. And Vettori didnt even need to shave.

ETA5: FUCK THIS RAIN I AM GETTING DRUNK!!!

HAPPY NEW YEARS FROM US IN THE CHEAP SEATS!!!

Oh, Ron? We Knew Him When

2008-12-29T00:39:00.000-08:00

So the Brat was watching the Firebirds play and thought she knew the name of one of the up-and-coming talent.

She was right.

Here's Ronald Karaitiana, 21 years old. What a fine young example of the species he is.

And...

Here's Ron at the age of nine, in full gear for his appearance on McDonald's Young Entertainers.

The lad may be dressed as a Vulcan, but by god he's a happy one. (note - Silver Uniform)

Boxing day Twenty20

2008-12-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

Forget, for a minute, that we should be having a real boxing day test, but there is something else I need to draw your attention to.

We are wearing silver uniforms.

We are doomed.

Also, WTF is with the gold underarms? A wee homage to another Underarm Travesty?

ETA: A tie. Another one.

Now we have the farce that is the "super over"

Let me describe this to you in layman's terms.

The Windies get their over first, they choose three batsmen. New Zealand has one bowler and the normal field.
The kiwi bowler bowls the one over, the Windies batsmen attempt to slog the absolute shit out of it.

Then the kiwis get their over. Whoever scores the most runs in their over wins.

This is stupid. But less stupid than the old bowl-offs (ignore Mark Richardson, those things were awful)

ETA2: And, we lose. I blame the uniforms.

Is That An Injury Or A Try?

2008-12-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

Mr Backslash just pointed me at an interview with Helen Brabazon, who, nearly ten years ago, had the unenviable job of commentating a Hurricanes vs Sharks game on the radio when she didn't know a thing about rugby.

As it happens she did a bang-up job, and once she'd figured out which team was which, really got into her stride.

The interview, including excerpts from the commentary is here. The link should be good for two weeks.

Maori Rugby WTF

2008-12-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

Dear NZRFU,

I fully understand the need for you to save a million bucks next year. Really, totally do. After all, there's a World Cup coming up that you'll need to save for.

But for the love of all that's good and right, why on EARTH cancel the New Zealand Maori rugby team next year? I mean, WTF? The tradition that produced Tane Norton, Sid Going and the incomparable George Nepia, gone in a puff of beancounting.

Was there seriously no other way to save a million dollars? Really? Nothing else that could be done? Cake stall? Nothing?

In the sincere hope that the team is reinstated for 2010,

Madam Backslash

Sun WTF?

2008-12-19T14:16:00.000-08:00

Once again my need for actual gainful employment meant my cricket watching was cut short yesterday.

Someone should give me some money.

I did get to see all of the wickets. Who knew Jesse Ryder could move like that? May I suggest the nickname "Flubber".

It's All Beige Here

2008-12-15T23:17:00.000-08:00

So I thought it was about time I put up a few pictures I took at the test on Saturday afternoon. Yeah, they're a couple of days late, but I've been either too drunk, too hungover, too fucking busy or too drastically underslept to do anything about it until now. But hey, if you wanted up-to-the-minute coverage, you'd be at Cricinfo. (In any case, I just don't have the liver for journalism.)

Peecture number one is of Lionel Baker being Third Man while the ferocious Fidel Edwards was bowling at the other end. (I could watch Fidel bowl all day, as he is a thing of beauty. However, like any show pony, he looks great but is horribly inefficient -- his run rate hovered between 4.1 and 4.5 the whole time I was there. And he frightened Jimmy Franklin into falling over and going out hit wicket. But this picture isn't of Fidel because I couldn't get close enough. So here's Lionel, being all shy because he's just spotted the camera.)

And here's Lionel again, being a class act and signing autographs for some small boys.

One of the great joys of going to the test was ringing the Brat to tell her Jesse Ryder had just gone out. Neither of us particularly likes Jesse, mostly on the grounds that he has a better reputation for cocktail-fuelled hilarity than either of us. Here he is on his way in from the creases. Check out the sulk. Dude, you'll trip over your bottom lip if you're not careful.

And last but not least, Dan Vettori, Captain Extraordinaire, and Kyle Mills (who replaced Jesse) coming in for tea. Add two more players and paint some stripes on the concrete, I reckon you could do a pretty good imitation of the Abbey Road album cover.

Playing in the street

2008-12-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

So... Its a draw, and those who saw it coming (that is, all of us) can sit safe in the knowledge that no, it never gets any warmer than that in Dunedin. Madame enjoyed it though.

I broadened my sporting horizons by heading to the cake tin on Saturday to check out the Phoenix playing against the Perth Glory. What was served up was eighty minutes of execrable football followed by ten minutes of actually exciting football that made us all wonder why they couldn't have played like that earlier. It was a 1-all draw because New Zealand A-league teams never actually win anything. The cake tin is a marvellous structure though, and it was nice to visit the Cheap Seats spiritual home (Aisle 21, row GG, seat 74)

And I have noticed something, through my summer ale induced haze (this haze should dissipate some time around February) There are some really silly scores being reached in cricket games around the country. The Uni Oval pitch appeared to have been modelled on Castle Street, minus the broken bottles and second year girls vomiting. Have all the groundsmen in the country been told to produce flat batsman's wickets?

Kitty Litter Stopped Play?

2008-12-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

Madame is at the cricket, I am on the couch. We are both indeed very happy that the rain gods have co-operated with some cricket, although there hasnt been much before some strange occurence with kitty litter and dustpans and shovels (only in Otago) has paused play. We live in very strange times my friend. Very strange indeed.

Its all wet here

2008-12-11T15:12:00.000-08:00

On the day I invite my mates to join me in the Cheap Seats for some very unhealthy drinking, it rains. Bloody Dunedin. I bought Mackintoshes specialy (I'm going to make as many jokes about that as I can.)

So, with little else to post about (We all know poor Flynnyflynnflynn was unlucky, and Ross Taylor needs a spanking every time he even thinks of playing on the on-side) I'll post the rules of the great cricket drinking game - otherwise known as The Reason I Failed Biology.

Rules:
Drink 3 when…
A bowler gets a hat trick (on top of the drinking for each wicket)

Drink 2 when…
100 is scored, either by a player or a team.
Someone gets out
A bowler gets five wickets. (4 for a ten wicket haul)

Drink 1 when…
A boundary is scored
50 is scored
A Nelson comes up (when the score is 111 or 222 etc…)
The fielding team makes an unsuccessful appeal
A run out is referred to the television umpire

When watching on TV…

When the commentators refer to a shot or player in a sexual way – drink 2

When watching at the ground…
When the player fielding closest to you gets the ball – drink 1
When a player starts gesturing in the direction of your increasingly drunken group – drink 3
When the player fielding nearest you swaps (not just between overs) – offer him a drink.

But I cant play with no cricket! Come on weather, sort yourself out!

It's all pink here

2008-12-10T15:40:00.000-08:00

So, finally we get some international cricket. The kind that we might be able to win. Might.

But I have a few questions.

1. What is with this whole starting at 12 noon business? In Dunedin, yeah it might work given the latitude, but are they going to do it in Napier as well?

2. Tim McIntosh took 38 deliveries to get off the mark. All well and good, but although they say you cant score runs in the shed, you also cant score runs if you're, y'know, not scoring them.

3. Also, Tim McIntosh is 29. Why are we continuing to give debut caps to guys who, lets face it, are old (in a sporting sense, don't kill me Mistress Backslash!)? Why aren't we using the fact that we're in a slump to blood some new guys and build some experience that won't be retired before we can use it?

4. How many times is Ian Smith going to get Tim McIntosh and Jamie Mackintosh confused?

5. Could whoever has the voodoo doll of Jacob Oram PLEASE PUT IT DOWN!

ETA: Oh look, we are 88 for 1 at lunch. I may have to be nicer to McIntosh. But that will probably jinx him.

ETA2: MOTHER OF GOD I NEVER WANTED TO THINK OF TONY COZIER IN SPEEDOS AND NOW I HAVE, KILL ME NOW!!!!!

On a better note, Daniel Flynn has managed to stop being attractive, and instead play attractive cricket. Never thought I'd see that.

2008-12-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

Well, the All Blacks went to the UK and Ireland for the Grand Slam and, as expected, waxed the lot of them.

This post on Public Address has some really useful things to say about the Grand Slam and rugby analysis in general.

Of more importance to me, however, with my visual nature and attention span of a gnat, were the links to a couple of graphics that make it clear what was really going on in the England vs NZ game, and also the differences between Northern Hemisphere and Southen Hemisphere rugby.

From The Times Online -- Must Try Harder: Stats, ratings and analysis

Also from The Times Online -- How the Southern Hemisphere teams are kicking the Northern Hemisphere's collective arses

Three years till the 2011 Rugby World Cup, Northern Hemisphere. There's time.

How Sex Should Be More Like Cricket

2008-11-30T00:11:00.000-08:00

So this afternoon the Brat and I were discussing sex and cricket, as you do, and we came to the conclusion that sex should be more like cricket.

Yes, you heard me. Sex should be more like cricket.

And here's a few reasons why:

Five days, with breaks for drinks and dinner
Lots of ball polishing
Changing ends to avoid undue wear on the run-up to the creases
New balls every four innings
Teams of eleven with substitution allowed in the event of injury
An umpire to make sure everybody plays fair, with video adjudication for borderline cases
Proper use of protective equipment
Highlights on the big screen during drinks
Penalties for using the incorrect action
Bowling maidens over (you get to decide what constitutes "a maiden" in this case)
Practice time in the nets
Whites (the clothes)
Switching bowlers
Only playing in the sun
Shorter forms played under floodlights (prevents problems with bad light stopping play)
Hotspots, Hawkeye and ultra slow-motion replays
Commentators

Any additions/suggestions? Leave us a comment!

Posted on behalf of the Brat

2008-11-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Daniel Flynn,

You are not supposed to be attractive. That I find you so is weirding me out. Please cease immediately.

The Brat

2008-11-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

If I didnt want to do Tim Southee before, I totally do now.

A socially conforming experience?

2008-11-19T11:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Otago Cricket,

Yes, I understand that you are excited that you get to have a real test at the frankly gorgeous University Oval, but I believe your public relations crew need to wake up a bit. The phrase "Dunedin - It's All White Here" might not be the best choice of slogan given the test we are playing there is against the West Indies. I'm just saying.

Besides, what's wrong with "Dunedin - Enjoy your stay and have a riot?"

Yours,

Brat.

And in other news, going into the final day of the State Champs...

Sexual have surprised us all and gotten up and are now looking much like beating Auckland thanks to a century by Brad Patton.

Otago are still playing poorly and another of Northern's 19 year old whiz-kids has taken five wickets.

And Wellington are looking to have Canterbury all wrapped up after Matty Bell scored a century and Canterbury had to follow on.

And in other other news... Let's not mention the test, shall we?

History Repeating?

2008-11-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

Munster, that most unsexy of club sides, are up 16-10 over the All Blacks. We've been in this postion before, only that time the Munster side was made up of actual Limerickmen, rather than half the Auckland Blues.

Updates as they occour.

ETA1: Stephen Donald needs to start learning how to kick in the quiet or Im going to go over there and kick him myself. 16-13.

ETA2: And it would be nice if we could, you know, actually pass to people rather than space.

ETA3: Woo Hoo go Smokin' Joe! And youll never see a test team celebrate a try as much as they celebrated that one. 16-18.

I've just had a horrible idea

2008-11-16T23:25:00.000-08:00

Following on from the Nightwatchgirl's lament that England could not come up with a naked cricket calender, due to having a team full of fugly players, I thought about the idea of having The Black Caps get their kit off and pose for the camera.

Cue the mental floss.

Aaron Redmond, cute but bald.
Iain O'Brien, best described as having a face akin to a Hitler weasel.
Chris Martin (though I think he's gorgeous) looking like gristle held together with packing twine.
Jesse Ryder... I'm sorry I can't keep a straight face when I picture him pouting for the camera.

Sure, Danny and Baz would definitely look nice in the buff, but by then you would likely have dug out your own eyes with a spoon.

So while our new uniforms may be hideous, at least we should be grateful that they are wearing them.

The All Blacks, on the other hand, should never put their clothes on. It would raise the aesthetic levels of the general environment to have Richard Kahui's muscular backside on display 24/7.

...

I'm sorry, I went to a very happy place there. Ahem.

In actual cricket news, the State Championship has started!

Bloody Auckland beat Canterbury last week, and they're on their way to beating Sexual this week. CD are 191/6.

In Wellington we welcomed the new cricket season by having a massive fucking storm, but Wellington and Canterbury managed to get out onto the Basin and Wellington are 155/2.

And Otago are doing what they do best, which is playing poorly. Northern are now 223/7.

Sadly my need for gainful employment is truncating my ability to watch cricket this summer. Someone should pay me to blog. (that sounds so dirty.)

Oh noes!

2008-11-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

There's something very wrong with Dan Carter.

He's missed two kicks, one of which I could have gotten. Two!

Oh shit. Is he wearing silver undies?

Oh, there we go, he's finally gotten one. Thank fuck.

Right... Sure.

2008-11-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

Anyone still think we can beat Australia?

Anyone?

*crickets chirping*

Yeah. My thoughts as well. Of course I wasn't delusional enough to think we could ever beat them, not after our dismal display against Bangladesh. But we are of course looking much like we are about to lose to New South Wales.

NSW without their top-tier bowlers.

And we are about to face those top-tier bowlers, at the GABBA, a place which we have historically sucked the big fat one. Those bowlers will be threatened on pain of death to get through their overs within the allotted time. That's a lot of very good bowling coming very fast. Probably at the helmets of our batsmen, who all seem to be a bit short. (Big Jake not being there.)

To add to our problems, Jesse Ryder is quarantined in the hotel with a "Mystery Bug" ("Massive Hangover" is our bet, but what would we know?)

And Baz the superhero is spasming. Which would leave the gloves with Gareth Hopkins, the saddest old man this side of anywhere.

Seems we can't catch a break.

Or the ball.

And in more positive cricket news, Hamish Marshall is returning to play for the Northern Knights. We in the Cheap Seats heartily approve, because we think the twins are cute.

Further Insight...

2008-11-11T17:07:00.001-08:00

I was going to say something really funny and clever about England losing a warm up game.

Then I saw this. And all words went out of my head.

Okay, so he's not quite Mitchell Johnson, but there's less photoshop and spray tan involved in this pic.

I need something to blog about before this becomes just a spankier version of my case files...

Insight...

2008-11-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

I was going to say something coherant and insightful about India beating Australia...

Then I saw this. And now I think I need some time alone.

Ahem. So, yes... Carry on...

This is how I express my expressions

2008-11-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

I watched (in the vaguest sense of "watching") the All Blacks play Scotland.

We won, which we should have, even with 'The R Word' back in full force.

And Corey Jane got to play for a whole half. (I like Corey Jane.)

The ref, for all his fondness for whipping out his cards, was distressingly good-looking. I'm sure there should be some law against refs other than Steve Walsh being attractive.

But there was one thing that really really stunned me, and it came after the game was over. Jamie Macintosh was asked what the coaches told him before he went onto the field. Apparently Jamie was told to "go out there and express himself."

WHAT THE FUCK?

Who in their right mind expresses themselves on a rugby field? (apart from Jerry Collins, and he got in trouble for that) Do you think any of the great teams of old were told to go out there and "express themselves"? If you want to express yourself - write poetry. Or whatever it is hippies do. But don't do it on a rugby field. It makes a mess.

I can imagine Colin Meads turning in his grave. I don't care that he's not dead yet. He's still turning.

A couple of things

2008-11-03T00:16:00.000-08:00

Firstly, you will notice that neither the Brat nor myself has said anything about the actual outcome of the Air NZ Cup final, after both of us posted our predictions.

That's because the Brat watched the game and said it wasn't so much that Canterbury won (the final score was 7-6 in their favour), but more that they failed to lose. C'mon, guys. That's not cool. Not sucking quite as much as your opposition? That's not victory. It's the absence of defeat.

Secondly, tomorrow is the Melbourne Cup. This is the one race a year I bet on, mainly because it's the one race a year I can bring myself to give a shit about. I love horses, but the sport of racing just doesn't do it for me.

Chances are I won't win anything, but I can't say I really care. There's just something about the Melbourne Cup that has captured my imagination since I first heard about Phar Lap (who, despite what the Aussies might say, was a New Zealand horse).

The whole of Australia screeches to a halt for this race. Melbourne Cup Day is a public holiday in the state of Victoria, in which the race is run. Most of New Zealand takes five minutes to watch the race (at 5pm our time). I'm no different. I'll be stopping in at my local TAB to watch the race on my way home from work.

So I did my standard "$2 each way on these three horses, please", with the following picks:

Septimus -- a likely favourite. Carrying lots of weight, decent barrier draw, like his form.

Nom de Jeu -- another front-runner. Stupid barrier draw (one! FFS, talk about trapped against the rail!), but nice form. Also like the name.

Newport -- chosen because I always pick a long shot and, well, Newport's just up the road from Cardiff and I'm a big ol' Torchwood fan. Yes, I usually have at least one pick in the Melbourne Cup that is for reasons this sad.

So yeah, the horses I pick will probably all have three legs and/or fall over and need to be shot. Then again, once every five years or so I'll have one come in and win me about half my stake back. Who cares -- this is the one race I just love. Bring it on.

In which I sound like a bitter old man

2008-11-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

I watched England play Middlsesex in the Stanford 20/20 the other day. As I type I'm watching the farcical $20 million dollar match. Now ignoring Alan Stanford's antics with the England WAG's which, to be frank, amused the shit out of me (notes on that later), that game epitomised the worst of cricket. A couple of half-decent teams playing bloody average cricket in the pursuit of a few big slog. Texan oil money funding cricket? Wasn't this once a game for gentlemen?

But the worst thing was the colours. Middlesex were in pink, England were in red, the umpires were in a migraine inducing shade of purple and even the commentators had been kitted out in canary yellow.
Add in the floodlit green grass and the whole thing was like a very bad acid trip. No wonder England were dropping catches. And no where to be found was the glorious, traditional white.

Also missing was the decent cricket. Half-arsed and sloppy, like twenty20 itself, funded with megabucks to impersonate baseball and treat the bowlers as machines. The pitch is terrible. The money seems to be a substitute for class, tradition and quality.

Now, I'll admit when it comes to cricket I am something of a troglodyte. Give me men in whites, five days of hard slog in the sun, where plans are laid sessions in advance and heroes are made through tenacity and talent - not wild slogging. I LOVE test cricket. It annoys the hell out of me to see these hit and giggle games take more importance as they rake in more cash.
You may say that twenty20 is the future of cricket and sad old (young!) bastards like me should recognise it. But I ask you, how many of these English players with their WAG's in tow would swap the chance of a million dollar paycheck for winning the next Ashes series in Australia? I'd bet every single one.

Of course now that's a moot point. The English have CHOKED. Really really hard. These young "Stanford Superstars" have just become very rich men. I can't help but wonder how many of them will go off the rails with this new money?

And now for something completely different, yet sadly the same...

For all my posturing about rugby this year, a game against Australia in Hong Kong, in late spring... Totally didn't inspire me. The Bledisloe was ours already, we had played Aus three times already, and once again it seemed like nothing more than lining the coffers of the respective rugby unions. Average game too.

Money and sport... Fuck that.

2008-10-24T22:20:00.002-07:00

Right, then.

Air New Zealand Cup final is tonight; kick-off is in an hour and a quarter or so.

Wellington vs Canterbury, in Wellington.

Brat is a Wellington supporter. I am a Canterbury supporter.

Here's my prediction: No matter what happens, it's going to end in tears for one of us. I don't think it'll be me, obviously. I'm going for Canterbury by 12 points.

Entry fee to the next Actual Size Project event is riding on this, so Canterbury had better play their red-and-black hearts out. Which they will, because that's what they do.

GO CANTERBURY!!

Rugby? At Labour weekend?

2008-10-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

The Cheap Seats have a problem. Something of a war has broken out, over the Air NZ cup. For while both Madame Backslash and I live most of the time in the glorious city of Dunedin (enjoy your stay and have a riot!) I herald from Wellington and she heralds from... Christchurch.

While I appreciate that the Lions are underdogs I believe they have what it takes to pull off victory. The weather is total bollocks, the wind will spring up and the game will get scrappy. Wellington play bloody well when the game gets scrappy. They're utter bollocks when they have to put together set pieces, and if it was a clear night, Canterbury would wipe the floor with them. But this icky drizzle? I think it should give us the upper hand. And well... We want it. Not quite as much as we wanted the Ranfurly Shield, but we want it. Sure, Serge Lilo is going to have a tough game marking Richie McCaw. but we have the talent, we've got our All Blacks back (where's Dan then?) and we have Hosea Gear, a man who will be done a great injustice if he does not go on tour this year, cos he has been bloody awesome.

So my prediction? Wellington will take it. Just.

And now for something completely different...

One of the things I love most about Sky sport is what they manage to fish up when rain delays the cricket. Not only the very random medleys of tours set to pop-alt-rock but the old tests. Today we got NZ vs Bangladesh from back in 2001. Ahhh, the memories... Remember when Chris Martin had hair? Dan Vettori lacked a beard? Shane Bond was young, fit and playing? We weren't kitted out in what is now the most ridiculous uniform in world cricket?
Honestly, it was brilliant. In fact, at 25/2 I was almost convinced that we were watching it live.

2008-10-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Silver Ferns,

What the Fuck?

Love,

Brat.